rantings of a manic daughter

lost in the everyday mundane patterns
that swirl effortlessly through time
just another cog in a wheel that
turns forever, in a place that time forgot
never thinking, faltering often
learning to live to laugh to feel
all the while wondering when
a spark will flare
and my life will have purpose


____

Writers block is ebbing.
So now if only my brain would let me paint......

how could I be so stupid, so blind
to leave my mind in a time
where things felt right and secure
where things seemed good and I could believe
that there was a sanctity to love and friendship
how could I be so stupid
not to see the real me
would, as always, push and push
until you hate me for who I'm not
because I was so scared of what we were
so scared of her and her meddling ways
and knowing that for some reason you
were bound to choose her words over mine
time and time again
heart broken and on the floor
yet I still lust, still love, still yearn for you
I want you to the very core of my being
but as time progresses
you only widen the wound deeper
now I lay lost and broken, hollow
feeling alone though I surround myself with others
ruined.

How does one come to terms with something being over when you wish it weren't so?
When do the nights of waking up with sodden pillows stop?
How do you go through mementos... photos... tokens of affection and place them in hiding?
After so long how does one reshape and re-mold their life to eliminate something that was so significant?


I don't know how to do these things. I just cannot seem to get my head to come to terms with the situation.
I can't seem to take down the pictures from the top of my TV and switch them with ones that illicit happiness.
I can't seem to not dwell on plans made and past times.
I can't seem to figure out how to function socially without someone at my side.

I just feel like life is slipping.

Though sadly when one thing falls apart in my life the rest seem to slip back into place.

I have a job... though I will maintain my hunt for a better working environment.
I am in MUCH less debt.
I am losing weight.
I am healthier.

But for some reason though all this good is going on in the wake of something so painful the pain seems to be swelling up and taking over.

I do not know why I let it get to me so damn much...

I give such good advice to my friends when they feel like this but when it comes to myself I am at a complete loss.

I know I should take down the photos so that I at least can dwell less by not having him be the first thing I see when I wake and the last I see before I fall asleep... but as I said it is a feat easier said than done.

I just think I need distraction... a LOT of distraction. I need good friends and good times. I need laughter, dancing, singing and shenanigans. I need anything that keeps me from spiraling into a pattern I have known too well... a pattern that leaves me in the beds of too many friends using and letting myself be used. I cannot go back there... even if it does make me "feel better" in the log run it will make me feel worse.


Everyone is giving me someone to blame... but I don't think I want to blame anyone. I have to keep believing 'everything happens for a reason' or there is no reason for me to be here... 'everything happens for a reason' is what keeps me going.

like I don't know maybe a post.

Life is stable right now I guess.

I am sitting at 3 and a half months back home, living in my parents house isn't so bad really. It's not that I want to stay here forever but right now it is free, stable and I'm somewhat comfortable. I'm at 3 and a half months at the same job... I hate the people I work with and am actively looking for better employment. I am 4 months into a relationship, yes you heard me... 4 months. Things are ok, we've had our rockey patches here and there and there are still some things that need ironing out but things are good. I have friends ask if I love him... honestly I don't know. I am comfortable and that is a good thing.

I'm stressed about money, the government hates me, I live very far from all of my closest friends and 90% of my creative impulse are gone.


I miss traveling. I need to get out of here and go somewhere... thing is hen I go places sometimes I never come back.

Oh.. id I mention I do porn?? Yea. I do porn.
http://murderlily.com

I guess I just forget about LJ... or maybe my life is boring and I never have anything to say... sadly I am going to admit it is the latter and not the former.

What have I been up to? Work, hanging out with my boyfriend and hanging out with friends. Moved home again and it's worked out ok for the past two months... no yelling or anything really, but that could be because I am at the boys place a lot.

I was in a car accident again this week... nothing serious though. Cracked my bumper and my chest kind of hurts where my seatbelt was but I'm ok I guess, asside from being pissed off and stressed about car repairs.


Ya I am boring.

I'm slipping again
Tripping and falling
Everything is going too fast
I'm screaming but everyone is going on around me
It's like I'm not here at all
I'm praying to a god I don't believe in
Pleading for something to stop everything
Just stop the world from spinning so that everything slows down
I close my mind but can feel the unmeasurable pace around me
People moving as though no time can be wasted
No one has the time to take the effort to see if the small cowering girl needs help
I stand, tilt my head back and scream until it hurts
Then I run past everyone, through everyones busy lives barely leaving a trace of myself
Thoughts eat away at my core
Who will remember me when I am gone?
Who will miss me?
Why does any of it matter?
Thoughts racing I dumped bottle after bottle of things into a glass of water 
the water sloshes over the edge of the cup
Something tells me thats enough
Muddle and stir
Drink and everything will stop
Drink and everything will go away
Drink and everything will stop
Sleep.

Everyone is breeding and prodicing litle replicas of themselves that, tough kind of gross at first, will probably grow up to be just as horrible as we are. Or they are getting married... whih jus leads to the whole breeding thing in itself.

Go ahead and tell me I'm bitching about it because I am jealous... I'm not going to deny it.

Everyone seems to hav what I want in life going on for them and I sit here alone wondering what the fuck is fucking wrong with me. Why do I fuck up eerytime someon trys to get close? Why do I fall for idiots, assholes and losers and why is it when I get a good guy I fuck them over or I let them pass me by?

I just want people to take care of and loe that fucking appreciate me and the hard work that I do. *sigh*

they removed Sean's FaceBook today.

I feel like part of me is missing.

in 30 days...

I lost an amazing friend.

I had to put down an amazing cat.

I had to take my other cat home because she too got sick and I could not bear for her to not have the care she needs.

I shut out two people I regarded as family.


I pretty much feel alone. I know I am not... I know that there are people that love and care for me but I cannot shake this feeling of complete and utter isolation. I have no one to come home to and snuggle with, working the shifts I work means I never see my friends, I haven't been able to write or paint because I am an emotional void. I've gone beyond depressed to emotionless with fits of tears as I sit alone and wait for sleep.

Some of you are asking why I have not told anyone this when I an around them... I do not verbalize well and when I am in the company of friends I want so badly to be happy and make sure that I am not bringing anyone else down with me that I play this elaborate part but I don't know if I can keep it up anymore.

This is not healthy. I am scared. I'm sorry.

The sun is shining today, and I thought of you. A breeze passed across my cheek, and I thought if you. I heard children laughing, and I thought of you.

You were one of the most beautiful people I have ever encountered. You picked me up when I was down. You never let me stand alone. You made me laugh through the hard times. You cried with me when I could not laugh.

The friendship you offered was precious. I cherish your memory every moment of every day. You brought light to the lives of everyone around you. You brought happiness to the world.

I remember that afternoon when Becca called me. I remember feeling my heart break. I didn't know how the world would go on with out your light.

A short time has passed, and I can see that your light hasn't stopped shining. You have been with us every day. Every time the sun shines. With every afternoon breeze. Every time someone smiles brightly. You are part of everything I do, everything WE do.

You helped make me what I am today, and for that I love you. Though I miss you everyday, I know you haven't left me, because the sun still shines, sometimes I feel a light breeze, and I try to smile and make others smile everyday.

I miss you...

I had to put one of my cats down today. He passed on at 5:47pm.

I only had him for about two weeks. I rescued him from a friends house when my friend up and moved to BC. The house was, and always has been, kind of gutter punk filthy and apparently the cats never got water enough and were eating shitty food.

He was the prettiest boy cat in the world and he always made me smile. I will never look at another pair of my shoes again without seeing him resting his head on them

Seriously I miss him... and so does Blender.

"Sometimes we convey a desire for something we cannot have. This is unreciprocated love which is not love at all, but a yearning to experience a deeper aspect of the self. We yearn to feel complete, to be in relationship with someone who complements our soul, inspires us and brings out the best in us. We look for in others what we seek within ourselves."


Lately I am earning so deeply for completion that all I see in myself are flaws. For everything I am there seems to be two of something I lack, I am tired of climbing into bed and being alone when I wake up, tired of wondering why I'm not good enough and why those that I am good enough for are just not appealing to me. I've tried lowering my standards, I've tried to give people that don't appeal to me physically but do mentally a chance and I've tried letting my friends set me up with people. I went so long alone when I was younger so I don't know why for the last few years I have felt incomplete without someone but that is how I feel. Maybe I have too much of the 'mum' gene... I NEED to have someone to care for, someone to cook for, clean for and care for emotionally... I need someone to care for me and support me emotionally.

At the same time that I need all of these things I know if I get involved with someone I don;t want to be ith them all the time. Dispite wanting someon to be there a lot I could never be around someone all the time. I hat being clingy an being clung to. I need space and time with friends or time alone.

Maybe I just want too much.

I don't know... I'm just so tired of being alone.

Ever since I was a kid the only thing that has been home to me is the stars... they are the only thing that has always been there for me. Sometimes they look different... a constellation faces a different direction, stars look brighter, different constellations are more visible than others... but they are always there.

Everything else has changed. Friends have come and gone many times over. I have never had a home... never felt I belonged... but things are somehow different in Red Deer, as I have told some of you before. I want it to be real, but after the life I have had I have no clue how to tell if it is. Everyone I have ever loved has left me, everyone I have let in fully has hurt me, everyone I have believed in has let me down. What makes this place different? Is it different? Or am I just starting to see the world through those mystical rose colored glasses everyone talks about?

I just want someone to tell me that things are going to be okay now. That I can stop running from life, that I can settle down, that soeone loves me.

I'm so scared none of this is real. How can I be sure? *sigh*

Saturday we all said farewell to Sean.

I have been thinking a lot.

Some good things and some bad. I need to change things. I am going to start focusing on working... making money... saving money... and going back to school. I need to do something to contribute to society. Right now I am little more than a waste. I am in a somewhat dead end job, even i I am on a fast track towards management... do I really want to just be a manager in a Shoppers Drugmart my whole life? I don't volunteer nearly enough, too many of my more recent friendships are made on a foundation of mud and I have been neglecting those made on a foundation of solid rock, and I just feel useless most of the time in general.

Ive been talking a lot more with people I was neglecting because I wanted to start a new life, my old one wasn't so bad though once I got rid of that evil vice, and they have helped me think a lot. I talk to them not because they are better than my other friends but because they knew Sean and the understand my pain in regards to him and his passing; whereas, my newer friends don't seem to see why I am suffering so much.

Something I guess people directly in my life now need to learn is that my chosen family is my real family. My chosen family means the world to me and they are pretty much all I have. I have had a tumultuous biological family life and I have little desire to interact with them (my father is really the only person I trust in my family). The family you choose does generally mean a lot to people because you have chosen them they were not forced into your life by blood and DNA, but for me my chosen family keeps me here and breathing. If it were not for members of my chosen family... I hate to say in times like these... but I too would not be here.

I have decided a few things. I need to get my life on some sort of path. I want to go back to school, to do so for what I want to do with my life this does probably mean leaving Red Deer. I am really serious about working my ass off to save the money to do this. This means less partying, which will not be an issue as I switch to graves soon, and more saving. If you are willing to see me through this... to help me on the path I am now choosing then I love you and I think you if not then I guess we may part ways soon but all the same it was wonderful being in your life.